woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize