Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
