now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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