It's Friday. Sex?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
