Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
