just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
