i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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