i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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