Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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