Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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