I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
