I met the friendliest cop last night
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
