now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
