i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
