Screwed.edu
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
