If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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