i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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