Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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