The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
