The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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