awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
