dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
