Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It all started with a game of naked twister.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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