tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
