His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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