i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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