life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
