I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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