I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
