He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
