I cannot find my penis.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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