he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize