4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
