your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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