i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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