OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I need to sanitize my soul.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
