how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
