i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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