I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
