my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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