We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
