I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
