So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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