Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
