and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
