He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
