It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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