i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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