Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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