So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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