So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
