nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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