ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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