People in love make me want to vomit
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
