he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
