i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
