I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
