The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
