she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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